It's been over six years since I bothered to even jot down my thoughts and musings. I could go on and on about the multitude of alibis and excuses that would leave anyone's head spinning over the absurdity of it all. But in those six long years, I've grown to realize how my complacency has gotten the best of me. I used to have such a drive to never rest on my laurels and take initiative, but during the time I've been away, the fire that once burned so strong within my very soul just... disappeared, vanished, M.I.A. and all the words related to such a thing. And it got worse as time progressed. Though not to the extent of me turning to vices like drugs or alcohol, since I can't really stand the stuff. No, I just allowed sloth to consume me. But if ever doing drugs and such feels like rotting in a slow and painful way, then I suppose it's no different from what I've been through.
To be precise, I've become so disenchanted with everything and in the process, I lost interest in doing anything about it. Quite a far cry from the person I used to be when I was still in school. Not to say that I was ever an A+ student, but at the very least, I used to have motivation back then. I became a shell of my former self that's going through the motions with no sense of direction at all. I liken my situation to a disease (not sure of the name) where I may be mentally aware of myself and my surroundings but physically paralyzed, all the while, my body continually decays at an ever-increasing rate. It got to the point where I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and completely scared out of my mind, as if I was falling into a bottomless pit leading to the abyss.
Keep in mind, I was still doing the occasional updates here in terms of uploading materials, but my heart just wasn't as into it. Same goes with my life, just living on day to day with no clear vision of my future. And after a series of sleepless nights where it only consisted of nightmares that involved all the horrible memories where my past failures were at the forefront, I completely broke down and wept like I never wept for a long time. It nearly drove me insane and as of this writing, I still feel the sickness crawling all over me. One would think that this was the end of my mental and emotional burdens, but I can assure you all... it wasn't.
This is the part where I now mention how the people around me got affected by my downward spiral to misery. To summarize that bit since I just can't bear to elaborate further, I became estranged from my family and friends. All lines of communication completely ceased and the figurative knife just got pushed further to my inner core. But the straw that not only broke the camel's back, but also put a bullet to the poor animal's brains, was the eventual end of what could have been a beautiful relationship with a girl that poured her heart and soul for me, only to be driven away by my inner demons. Cue the twisting of the figurative knife. It was at this point that I realized that enough was just too much. Absolutely too much.
As I reflect back on my life, one element was always a constant and it mostly involved my deepest regrets. Regrets on unfulfilled plans. Regrets on missed opportunities. Regrets on broken friendships. Regrets on my continued ignorance. Regrets on so many things that are just too heartbreaking to even recall. It's amazing how I managed to go on living while still dragging around all this excess baggage that should've been done away with a long time ago. I guess a part of me still wishes to relive those times in the hopes of righting the wrongs. Alas, I'm no Time Lord with a highly advanced time machine disguised as a phone booth, nor do I have deity-like powers to manipulate the universe and have it bend to my will. No, I am simply a hopelessly lost boy who has gone to the lowest of lows and can't get away from this state of depression. However, through my wallowing and self-pity, a realization suddenly dawned on me, and I questioned myself if this was really how I wanted my story to end. Like a carcass wasting away in the desert, it became apparent that I desperately needed to get my life back in order. I knew then and there that I couldn't allow myself to sink further into a deeper grave than the one I already was in.
Though as gloomy and uncertain things have become, I've been slowly taking steps to my eventual recovery. Now, I say eventual since at this stage of my life, I now know that THAT is where I want to be. In a manner of speaking, I've finally caught a glimpse of the light at the end of this dark tunnel I'm in. With such an inspiring glimmer of hope in sight, I fully understand what I want to do, what I need to accomplish, what I must fulfill. It just makes me laugh how such a realization took this long to happen when it's been something that was blatantly obvious from the start. I guess I just didn't see the point of it in the long run. But nonetheless, what matters is the here, the now and the future. With that in mind, I can already see the path which I must take in order to rise from the hell that I've put myself into. The destination that I need to be in order to transcend to the highest level I can possibly reach. To reference a classic Beatles pep talk... to the toppermost of the poppermost. Be as it may, such a promised land is still far beyond my grasp, but to finally witness the splendor of it, even for that brief moment, is more than enough of a motivational boost for me to get back into the proverbial game of life.
As I stand on this very moment, with courage renewed and faith replenished, I take one last look at my past. And from what I see, it is still a sad and depressing sight to behold. Yes, I have lost my circle of family and friends, especially that one love of mine who last I heard was now with someone new. Then again, she wasn't the first rose among the thorns who captured my heart. But still, all the best to her and her new-found lover. Truly a sad shame indeed that a lot of those people I may never again reconnect with, and even if I did it would be just as acquaintances at best. But like how everything in life is a mix of trial and errors, it's all part of the learning experience, something I will not take lightly again.
It's at this point where I bid my last farewell to the past and live my present in order to build the foundations of my future. So after one last glance behind me, I take my turn and move onward to the unknown world that tomorrow will bring. No longer will I allow my past fears, regrets and frustrations chain me down, it's time I finally awaken to a world where I know I can be my own hero and save myself from all the monsters that have been plaguing me for the past several years. And in reference to the other half of this entry's title, it's time to begin anew.