Calling it quits... yeah, the thought has entered my mind so many times before, and I'm sure it will come back again. Like the asthma attacks I get on occasion (something I can see will be the death of me if my dream death scene of choice doesn't happen, but that's an entry for another FOLIO), surrender has been a recurring element in my life. But to play it safe and to not sound so narcissistic, surrender is also on everyone's list. There. Happy? Anyways, back to my story... as of late, I've been having difficulties in getting back on the saddle, so to speak. I didn't realize that by the end of 2014, I would find myself in an emotionally messed up state. Hell, I started the year in high spirits and I was still in the mindset of being that boy (I'd use guy or man, but it makes me feel old, and old is the last thing I want to feel right now) who didn't give a damn about anyone or their opinions. Well, deep down, I might've had a smidgen of a care, but nonetheless, I was still much happier then than I am now. So why the drastic change in me? Now, I could go on and on about this, but I'd rather be blunt. I did the one thing I never thought I would do again. In a manner of speaking, I became...
Keeping busy has been one of the best solutions to combat the negative feels and vibes. To me, it's been my other choice of recourse just right next to the comedic stuff. Something about work just puts my mind... I don't want to say "at ease", more like preoccupied. Then again, that is the purpose of work, so I guess it's a no-brainer. Similar to how horses have the sides of their heads covered in order for them to look straight ahead without being distracted, I once was free from the burdens of being too involved with anyone. Okay, not entirely, I did have family and friends who were, in varying degrees, supportive of me. Not counting the friends who I recently had a quite a huge conflict with over a very important business proposal that went down the toilet, thus making them ex-friends. Possibly even enemies, considering the amount of time and resources that they wasted and... whoa! By the looks of it, I'm straying away from my original topic, and fast! Well, like the previous digression, I'll just save that messy tale for another FOLIO. Now, where were we? Oh, right! Distractions! Yes, yes, yes, yes, that one juicy little nugget! Yeah, I have people that care about and I care right back, but I always made sure to keep them at an arms length in order to avoid the crushing emotional blow that comes with loss. Be it by death or otherwise, I never had a problem with keeping a metaphorical wall up, but earlier this year, a series of events led to a serious breakdown that still affects me as of this writing. Granted that it's not as bad as it was when things began to unravel, the pain is still very much there. And even though I keep telling myself that I'll be fine, I must admit that I'm still all torn up and bruised on the inside. To say that I'm emotionally scarred doesn't do it justice. Oh, I almost forgot! There was that unfortunate matter of losing... her. Tragic. Ah well. But all the same, I'm simply hanging on and keeping my head high.
Yep! Recently I got admitted to the ER after a sudden case of the sweats and a sharp pain in the noggin, followed by some vomiting of pure liquid. What fun indeed! Yeah... I suppose I should've seen it coming, especially since I've not been able to have a decent night's sleep, nor was I able to indulge in a proper meal. My fault for pretending to be okay when I'm still all hung up over the past. I mean, who would've thought that things would get worse after my birthday? I sure didn't expect much around October 19th except being reminded that I'm one year closer to death, but this year, I got some really neat and practical stuff like a new laptop and two new smartphones, among other things. Basically, I was on cloud nine, on top of the world, on a figurative high, as it were. Alas, on one particular evening, that all came crashing down like a stack of cards. Before I knew it, another bad thing followed after the next and I was shattered from all sides. Funny how things turned out in a manner of days. So looking back, whatever good I might've gotten was absolutely eclipsed by the crap that followed. And cue that depressing harmonica blues solo... (˘ᵋॢ˘ॢ) ♫ ♪
Quite a image to use in reflecting how I see myself in this world. Not saying I'm the only one who feels like it, but sometimes, I just think that the everyone is engaged in one gigantic orgy and here I am in confused state. Do I feel disgusted? Do I feel jealous? How about both? Or is there a fourth choice after Option C? Either way, I always wind up with the scenario of me just walking away from it all. I guess even in my delirious state of confusion, being a selfish lover still shines through. Sorry, three is a crowd and anything more than that is going to make me grab the aluminum bat for some heavy swinging upside some heads. Such a shame though that most people I've encountered, online or otherwise, have very distorted views, at least from my standpoint. The quality of being a chivalrous gentleman is all but lost. Keep in mind, that's just my opinion on how I see society in general. It's not like everyone is all that bad, I mean, compared to my own problems, I've spoken with various people, mostly of the fairer sex (ladies for you slow types), who have way, way screwed up predicaments. Whether it's by choice or not, it's gotten me shaking my head at my luck for encountering such people in the first place. Here I was, looking for someone to hear me out, but in the end, I wound up playing therapist. So whether or not these people I've had the pleasure (depending on how anyone looks at it) to speak with will continue on their miserable ways or make the necessary changes in their lives is up in the air. It's not my place to dictate what they should or should not do, anyways. Like the French say (in their own stereotypical snooty way)... c'est la vie!
So where does this leave me now? Well, as of late, I've been meaning to get back with my first love which is the arts. I mean, this has to be the first time in a very long while I've done a large number of submissions to this site and I still have more to come. Also another thing I've been meaning to get back into is the realm of acting. Chalk it up to fear or sloth, or even both, but something inside me just held me back from fulfilling a dream I should've accomplished a long time ago. And just like all the mistakes I've done in the past, especially those that have recently happened, I never stopped regretting.
Huh? What's that? Where's the resolution? Well, I'm just about to get right to that. So like I was saying, getting back to something I feel is my one true calling in life, becoming a Voice Actor to be precise (or Seiyuus for you Anime Lovers out there), will be quite a challenge and will require a lot of adjustments and readjustments on my part. I feel it's time I revisit this now while I still have youth at my side, because any longer than that, my desire for it will be lost and forgotten. So with that being said, I'm off to make my first set of baby steps to reaching this goal. Besides, I do have a long bucket list of items I must fulfill before my time runs out on this huge floating rock in space. Oh, and one last thing, in regards to the whole white flag raising, I gladly respond with a smug grin...
Bring on the challenge! This boy is ready to fly!